MY CHANGING BRAIN, LOSS AND NEW GROWTH

My brain is changing. 

As many of you know, about seven years ago, in my mid-40s, I had breast cancer. Six months later, after several rounds of chemo and radiotherapy, I am clear. The only overt reminder is the pill I take every morning.

But there’s another reminder that I notice now and again, and that is that my brain feels different. 

About a year after my treatment, I saw my surgeon and explained that I felt like I’d lost about 30% of my brain power. I switched medication and regained 10%. For someone for whom my brain, my intellect, has been the driving force behind my life – professional and personal – this felt pretty catastrophic. 

I’m told the outside world didn’t seem to notice. My friends reassured me that my 70% was still 110% of most.

My surgeon said that she’d heard similar experiences, though not documented in studies. But she reassured me that other patients suggested the gap disappeared with time. And then she said something really interesting – it was not clear whether that was because the systems came back online or because the brain figured out new ways to solve problems. 

And that has stayed with me. 

Recently, I told a group of fellow coaches that my brain felt very LOUD at the moment. It was getting in the way of me listening deeply to clients. I wanted to quieten it. They were aghast: why would I want to silence something so powerful. 

I had a major realisation – I was still mourning my old brain. The loss I felt – and continue to feel now and again – of analytical clarity, of processing power, of vision. 

And then I recalled my surgeon’s comments. The journey I have been on for the past few years is one of growth. Yes, it is likely that my processing power has diminished from Xenia aged 20 or 30. That would come as no surprise. Science shows that the number of brain cells we have starts to diminish from our 20s. We become less flexible over time both physically and mentally. Perhaps in my case there was a more tangible shift than for others. But this is part of being human.

But I am learning another way to think. I am forging new synaptic pathways. Rather than rely on processing or analytical power I am working more with brain trusts – combining and collaborating with others to achieve goals. I am tapping into my other senses – my ability to listen, to empathize – picking up the messages through pathways that I had previously missed. 

As my brother so wisely said to me when cancer kyboshed having children, “your life will be different, but it won’t be worse”. 

I had 45 years of stretching and testing and building my brain power. I’m still early on the journey to building these other skills. So, no great surprise if they are still hardwired and my habits – my reliance on my brain – revert to the norm when I’m not focused on it or am tired or stressed. 

But I will get better and the potential is extraordinary. The low hanging fruit of drawing upon these previously side lined skills is significant. 

I also believe that developing multiple pathways to achieve insight will only make me more flexible and agile, characteristics that in the current context will be key to success. 

So, the message to myself is to accept that with every two steps forward, there will be one step back. That like learning a foreign language I have to keep using these skills and will make mistakes on the way to excellence. And that I will, sometimes, get discouraged. 

Why am I writing this? 

The world is changing faster than ever before and it’s unlikely to stop. If we want to succeed in today’s context we need to learn to ride the waves; stilling them isn’t an option. And that will require agility and flexibility. And that starts internally, in the way we think. 

We all need to be on this journey. It is hard to suggest that cancer was a gift. But maybe it was in forcing me to start along this path early and to keep moving forward even when I falter. 

I wonder whether this sounds familiar to you. What’s your story? What are you doing to make yourself fit for the coming decades, whatever they might throw at us?

Xenia

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